Wandering...Wandering. . . .Following...Following

Reality

2011-02-21T11:37:00.000-08:00

Reality. This is a question that plagues me so often.

By reality, I’m referring to what is physical, what is real, what is measurable. Yet “reality” to me often feels so flimsy. Sometimes I think if I just close my eyes at just the right moment, then when I open them I’ll find that everything around me has changed.

Of course, I know this isn’t the case. As kids we learn things like “object permanence”, simply that an object doesn’t cease existing once we no longer see it. I know that. I know that I can’t just ignore reality—pretty soon my body will start telling me I’m hungry, or someone will walk through the door and demand my attention. I can zone out pretty well when I want to, but not that well.

I guess that’s not exactly what I’m talking about. I’m more talking about the nagging feeling that what I see isn’t really as solid as I think it is. The feeling that maybe this time when I jump, the ground won’t be there when I come back down. The feeling that everything “real” is just a superficial surface to something much more real.

Distance feels like it shouldn't exist. “You mean I have to walk for five minutes before I get to that building I see over there?” No, I’m not really lazy, but sometimes I look and wonder why there is such a thing as distance.

Time, what is that anyway? Moments pass me by, and I can’t ever fully make out their shape. Sure, time exists. But I haven’t found any good definition for it. We all learn what time is, but who’s to say it may not pause as a thousand thoughts run through my head?

Basically, everything that science measures (and I loved physics, and am loving Biology, btw, so it’s not like I’m just a mystical, science-hater person. Whatever that is.) feels unreal to me. I feel like that’s a bit convoluted. Science determines reality, right? You prove it with science, and then you can believe it. But I can never shake the feeling that everything visible is somehow fake.

Then I came across this verse in Hebrews. “By faith we understand that the universe was created by the word of God, so that what is seen was not made out of things that are visible.” (Hebrews 11:3, ESV)

So hang on a second, what I see was made by what I can’t see? You mean everything visible, is much less real that the invisible? What is solid is not what I can measure, but what I can’t measure?

This is amazing to me. Even though I’ve thought and known all of this for a year or so, including that verse, I am still just in a slight stunned state every time I think about it. I love that God’s word is the foundation to everything I see. I love that what we think is “solid” is just the decorations on the building, not what’s really there.

Like usual, I have no clue if this made much sense to anyone but me, but I’ve been meaning to share this for a long time. Just never sat down and wrote it out.

Happy to Ignore

2010-05-17T07:31:00.000-07:00

So, I’ve never been able to put out a blog post about masks. I’ve tried. Masks/walls are something that I have thought about a lot. Probably the most of any one topic.

This morning I was thinking about it, and realized something. I’m not afraid of people, I’m afraid of change.

The baseline of letting people in for me is simple. If I truly let them in, then they’re going to end up knowing me well enough for me to not have to tell them for them to have an idea what’s up when I’m not doing well. If they know what’s been running through my head recently, they’re much more likely to catch, and comment on, moods and actions relating to those. How does this involve change? Because it means I’m accountable to someone. It means that I know they’ll see when something’s wrong. And when someone else sees it too, then I know I need to change. Normally when something’s wrong I know what I need to do, it just takes a while for me to do it. And in the meantime I spend days, weeks, or months slowly pulling farther away from God. If someone knows my mask and can get past it, I’m much more likely to stop being stubborn and change.

It’s like when I scraped my knee right before going on our Spring Break mission trip. I wore jeans all week, not many people could see the scrape. All the girls who were near my bed (well, shared air-mattress) saw it though, because I had to roll my jeans up and tend to it at night and in the morning. There were times in the day when I would have to do stuff that just made it worse, but the people around me didn’t know about it. I could just ignore it and push through. But by the end of the week, I jumped out of the van and the friend I was with sent me a look and told me I shouldn’t have done that because it hurt my knee. She knew it hurt my knee because she’d seen it enough to 1) know what it was like and what would hurt it and 2) she’d seen it and my reactions to it enough to recognize my facial expressions even when she couldn’t see what exactly I’d just done to my knee. I realized I couldn’t get away with anything pertaining to that scrape, because she knew it was there even when I had it covered again.

The same applied to emotional and spiritual wounds. Over that week she saw enough of mine while it was just the two of us talking, that when there was a crowd of people and one of them started bothering me, she’d catch my eye and I’d know that she knew why I’d withdrawn. I found that when I’d told her things I’d been willing to face them, but around crowds I wanted to ignore them; since she’d seen them when we talked, I couldn’t deny them when I wanted to. Take the last line of the above paragraph, and change “scrape” to emotional/spiritual wound/struggle. “I realized I couldn’t get away with anything pertaining to that wound or struggle, because she knew it was there even when I had it covered again.” I couldn’t get away with ignoring them, and I had to seriously consider change. Dealing with them.

I know that some people fear what others will do once knowing their weaknesses. I’ve known that fear too, but right now I mainly just wanted to focus on the fear of change aspect. Because that’s what’s more relevant to me right now.

I’m not too afraid of people hurting me. That’s only happened deeply once. I’m not as gun-shy about trust as some people are. I just wonder if I really want to give someone the chance to push me and make me face things I wanted to “happily” ignore.

For all that, I’m still trying to discover what’s a mask and what isn’t. Still trying to figure out who’s me and who I want others to see. For the past couple months I’ve been trying to eliminate as much of the mask as I can, and I’ve found that to do that…I have to be willing to change. I have to be willing to go to God with problems I find. Because if I don’t, I can’t be comfortable without the mask. If I have anything to hide, I’ll keep trying to hide it. If I’m hiding from God in some area, there’s no way I’ll let my actions admit it when I’m around a group. If I’m working with God on something, then I can be okay with others seeing it. Not telling everyone about it and letting them know my innermost thoughts, but just being honest in my body language even. Being willing to let it show when I’m tired, or a little upset, or something similar.

When I’m either already trying to change, or willing to let someone push me, then why hide? If they hurt me, God’s got my back--I can cry to him. (Admittedly, that doesn’t make it easy when it happens)

Valuable Presence

2010-01-22T14:39:00.001-08:00

I've been thinking lately about something I think we all underestimate. At least, most people I know do :P

At church last Sunday, there were at least five people who I looked for and when I found them I was glad. There's one person who I haven't seen the past couple weeks, and I've missed her. That's not too unusual, we all have friends we seek out, right? Right, but these people I'm talking about are ones who I almost never talk with. I see them, and I'm simply glad because they're there. Not because I'm glad they're at church, but because I'm glad to be around them. Even if we have no communication whatsoever. Most of these people I've talked with once, maybe twice.

Why is it important to me to see them? I don't know. Why do I smile when I see them? I don't know. But for some reason, some association I have with them is one that makes me happy, and I enjoy their presence. When they aren't there, I miss them. One of them I don't even know her name. I see her on campus but we never make eye contact, we're always a distance away from each other.

Yet just knowing that they're alive is important to me.

Now, I can't say that it's like this with everyone, but I have found that often times if I want to know what something means to other people, I just have to think about what it means for me. I've mentioned this to one friend, and after thinking about it she said that she can think of people who she doesn't really know, but who she's glad whenever she sees them.

So it stands to reason (loosely) that there are people who I don't know, don't talk with, who are glad to see me. Who for some reason, my presence is valuable to them.

I'd encourage myself, and any one who happens to read this, to not underestimate what you being somewhere might mean to another person. There are many, many people who probably think that they mean nothing to me, but in actuality my life would be much less bright if they weren't there.

And, btw, all of you who I talk to--you all light up my life a ton too. *hugs you all*

Wasted Minute?

2009-12-27T14:10:00.000-08:00

A year and a half ago I took a five week long trip to Hong Kong that I almost never really think about anymore.

Sure, it crosses my mind now and then, but I think about how tired I was; not about the late nights chatting on the balcony. I'll think about the ferry ride, not about the performance we did near the star ferry right before it rained on us. (It rained during the last song, I think) I'll think about a song we sang there, not about the feeling of God moving among us as we worshiped. I'll think about the times I doubted, not about the times in prayer when God whispered to my heart.

Do you see what I'm saying? I think about the trip, but only when something reminds me about it, and I don't take the time to remember the most important parts.

I'll think about the fire God placed in my heart, and wonder when it died.

Incomplete, failed... those two words often taunt me. I have a tendency to not finish things. So a lot of the time when I try to think of the good from the trip, instead I think of the hopes and dreams I had upon coming home, and I think of the past year and a half, and think how I'm not in any form of outreach, I'm not learning more about the japanese culture, and I haven't been on fire for God.

So I lost everything I learned during the trip, didn't I? I failed to carry out my end, right?

Maybe, but I've been starting to see a greater arch in this story than I once thought. I don't really know what happened to first few months after I got back. I know there were good times, and I know there were bad. Mostly I know how March through November went, know that I didn't look to God much during that time.

Yes, that sounds like I just listed that I can label Hong Kong's work in my heart, and then the months I mentioned, as being more incomplete days, as being failures. If I only stepped back, then what's the purpose?

The point is I still lived those days, I still have those experiences, and even though I fell I kept standing back up.

I may not think about Hong Kong much, but the lessons I learned still stick with me. I still make myself pause when I find I'm comparing myself to others again. I still remember that I have to be careful how independent I am, that it's okay to ask for help. I still remember that there are groups I can feel at home with, and people who can stick together through thick and thin. And I still remember the pure joy of worshiping God with the rain pouring down around us.

Hong Kong did leave its mark on me, just not the one I'd expected. I thought I'd catapult into action, instead I had to wait.

The past while taught me things too. It taught me that dawn creeps in slowly, often unnoticed. It taught me that action isn't everything. It taught me the breath is precious. It taught me to hold on to God and any glimmer I see of him with all that I am. It taught me that Love doesn't care what condition we think we're in, it sees more than we ever will.

I think this is all pretty incoherent, but I guess it's simply this. I don't think about Hong Kong very often, and I'm often tempted to think that I've lost anything I learned from then. I haven't. I look back at the last year and feel like I've gone nowhere. I haven't. I may not see everything, but I can see enough to know that no second ends up completely wasted.

The shadow proves the sunlight... but the sun is most brilliant when mixed with clouds.

Beauty and Love

2009-12-08T14:49:00.000-08:00

Every move I make is generally criticized by Daniel or Camila, or both. I tend to have to steel myself constantly to withstand the barrage that is always forthcoming. There are times when I get to just hang out and have fun with them, but there's always this underlying jealousy. I exist, and therefore I threaten their security. Nothing I do can change how they always watch for me to do something they can get mad about.

So lying awake at night, (because this is when I start letting myself "un"steel) I often times want to be around someone who I know won't do that. A knowledge that would soothe the pain. My pretty much constant wish is to be around people who don't look at me in search of my flaws.

Recently one of my friends mentioned struggling with appearance, with wanting to look how she would consider beautiful, with needing to fit that image.

That launched me into this thought train.

How can someone be secure in who they are and how they look? We're told that our value is in God; We're told that He made us and He sees us as His most wonderful creation; We're told that our value should not come from man.

I've heard doubts expressed about how God could see someone who's "under par" as beautiful. And then doubts about how that could make any difference in wanting approval from others.

My thought to that first one is simply that in order to comprehend a lot of attributes of God we have to comprehend that he loves us.

That one simple factor seems to change so many things.

The conclusion I came to while lying awake at night, like I mentioned above, is that in wanting someone who wouldn't look at my flaws, I wanted someone who loved me. Love transforms how people view things.

I'm not sure how to explain it... I guess that when I get to know a friend, when I come to love them, I don't see their flaws. I may be aware of them, but they're not what I look at. Characteristics that they view as ugly or as an annoying habit, I find I come to cherish. It's a part of them, and because of that I like that characteristic. Often it's our quirks that distinguish us from everything else, and those are the things our friends come to love us for.

When I think of God, and how he views us, I have to remember that he's aware we're imperfect, but he sees us through eyes of Love. He sees the way you think, the way you look, the way you act, and it makes him smile because it's you. He sees the way I think, the way I look, the way I act, and it makes him smile because it's me. Each physical feature, he sees as a mark that screams your name. We're one big fingerprint ;)

As for how we find our value in God and not others, I'm still working on that. One way I deal with that is simply to find people who place value in more for the way that God places value in me. That way they're not sending me a different message than God is, but reminding me of how He sees me. In the end though, we do need to be willing to accept how God sees us and not need our peers to corroborate that. I've felt that now and then, and the best I can tell, it comes from spending time around Him and reading His word. In knowing Him and finding a place in his arms, knowing he loves. I think the security of not needing the value of others comes when Jesus is our life, when nothing else does matter.

On Falling

2009-11-14T09:25:00.000-08:00

I was laying awake last night, thinking, and this thought crossed my mind; "I'll always fall." I paused. That thought was one I would have assumed would be discouraging, but it wasn't. It was actually encouraging and comforting. You see, I don't make a habit of falling down. I have fairly good balance. I climb trees all the time but have never fallen out of one. Even when I do fall, I manage to catch myself in a way that I can stand up and jump right into whatever is going on. (Which looks really weird when there isn't anything going on. "Attack!! Oh, hi *sheepish grin*") I trip often enough, slip now and then, but I always catch myself and keep from falling. But in the metaphorical sense, in the spiritual sense, I'm not like this.

You see, I fall a lot. I mess up. I make stupid choices. I say the wrong thing. I wallow in self-pity. I harbor bitterness. I'm prideful and we all know what that comes before.

A lot of times it feels like as soon as I regain my footing, I'm falling again. I'm not used to falling, I feel like I should know how to keep my footing. But I'm finding that I'm only like that physically. It's nearly impossible to keep my footing in any other way.

There are so many people who have helped me up after each fall. Somehow I grew into the mindset that every time I fall after someone has helped me up, it's an insult to them. They just helped me, why'd I go and fall again? If I'm gonna just fall and make the standing up worthless, then why stand up at all?

I'll always fall. And that's okay, because every time I stand back up, I'm learning something new. There's a difference in the falls. I'll always fall, but that doesn't mean I have to mess up the same way twice.

And you know what? If I mess up the same way again, it won't really be messing up the same way. When I look back and I see points in my life where I thought I was doing exactly what had already happened, I can now see that it wasn't the same. It felt the same at the time, I thought it was the same, but it wasn't.

I'm not sure how to explain the difference. I think the biggest difference is that every time I stand up again, I learn something. And that knowledge can't ever quite be forgotten. It can be ignored. But even when it's ignored it's still there, and it changes actions and thoughts and feelings. It makes falling down different.

I read a book a little bit back. The main character was obsessed with labyrinths. She viewed them as spiritual journeys, walks. The thing about a labyrinth is that you enter in the same place that you come out from. You walk through, you reach the center, and then you walk back out. Was it pointless? You didn't go anywhere, you just went in a really winding circle. You came back to the same spot. But you didn't. The experience of walking through the labyrinth was something, and standing at the point you entered you look at the world with a little more insight. With the things you learned in walking through the labyrinth.

I view falling as kind of similar. You backtrack. You end up where you left. But you end up just a little stronger. You learned something, and even when you fall next that knowledge cannot be taken away from you. Every time you fall and then stand back up, you're taking another step. Saying, "I learned from this fall."

I'll always fall and, so long as I stand back up, I'll always learn.

<3 = y

2009-11-01T12:02:00.000-08:00

Love... it keeps coming back to that.

Last year I realized that nothing has any value without love. I began understanding some aspects of love, that there are people who love, who want to see me, and who will have my back in a fight and will fight for me when I can't fight.

This August I felt there was no way I could be loved. All my attributes I thought of as the "good" seemed gone to me, but most prevalent was what I'd done. The stains. I thought that there was no way any one who I'd betrayed by failing could forgive that and still love me, still want to be around me. I felt I had hurt God and several other friends deeply, and didn't think that they could love me. Care, possibly, but not love. One of those friends proved me dead wrong. She held me and showed me hope, showed me that though I deserved nothing, she'd still pour out love on me. I couldn't understand it, but I couldn't deny it. And I couldn't deny that if she could react like that, than God could too.

Over the months, that's faded and I've noticed another factor.

I accepted she loved me despite what I'd done, but now the question became, "despite what I'm not?"

I started asking myself questions, trying to figure out what could be lovable about me, how I could have endeared myself to my friend, how she could miss me as badly, or even more, than I missed her.

Finally I asked. How could she miss me? She reminded me I'd forgotten one factor; love. She said unless I can understand how much she loves me and how happy it makes her when I curl up next to her and talk to her, tell her what's on my mind, then I won't understand how she can miss me.

It slowly clicked. Once again, I can't understand how, but I can believe she loves me. That much I've learned to accept. I kept thinking of my cat, of how much I love when she curls up in my lap and sleeps, trusts me. . . (she's actually doing that as I type this up) Yes, I just compared myself to a pet. I don't mind being likened to a pet :P

This didn't sink in though, not in the way it needed to.

Today during communion I took it alone. First, I frantically read through 1 cor. 11, trying to see if I would be "condemning" myself to take communion the way I felt. I came to the conclusion that if I could admit my sins and believe Jesus did die and rise, that was enough. I didn't have to change my heart, only God can make any true change. So I took communion and prayed, I told God where my heart was, I repeated a few things over, and started singing some choruses. "I will walk on water, and You will catch me if I fall...If I could just see You, everything would be alright. If I could just see You, this darkness would turn to light." "I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing, with a broken heart, that's still beating, and I'm hanging on, to what You say, You said everything will be alright" "I want to touch You, I want to see Your face"

After a while, they started playing the worship song "His love endures forever." As I sang that, bit by bit it began clicking.

God loves me. He doesn't care what I've done.
God loves me. He doesn't care how I come.
God loves me. He wants to hear my heart.
God loves me. I'd pleased Him by telling Him the truth, how my heart felt.
God loves me. I don't have to do anything.

I'd been thinking I couldn't come until I'd decided to let him change me, until I had faith, until my heart was in a different place.

How come I knew I could go to my friend in any mood, in any condition, and know she'd still love me, be happy I trusted her, but not know God was the same towards me... It dawned on me that a week ago someone had told me to pour my heart out to God every day, but I hadn't understood. I thought, 'I can't pray." But today it clicked that I don't have to offer Him faith, I don't have to offer Him instant change, I just have to talk to him, treat Him as I would a close friend.

His love endures forever... I can pour my heart out to Him in any condition, and He still smiles. (Even if it's a smile at how foolish my thinking is)

...Fyi, my subject is a weird equation of what's been running through my mind. "Love is the answer" which I changed to "Love = [the variable/question]" which got changed to " <3 = y "

Two lives

2009-10-30T10:43:00.000-07:00

I’ve thought a lot about the fact that Daniel and Camila don’t understand how different my life was before they became a part of it. They often times assume that I didn’t have a life before them. Yet I assume the same thing. I don’t try and wonder what their life was like before coming to the US, I don’t think about the memories they must be bombarded with. I see the effects that their previous life has had on how they act, who they are, but I don’t think about the pieces they must miss, the pieces that much wrench their hearts not to have anymore.

My memories of life without my two younger siblings are blurred, in a lot of ways it does feel like I didn’t have a life before them. In a way I didn’t. I didn’t have the same life, that life was very different. So much changed.

It’s probably similar to them, except I think that it’s probably more distinct of a difference for them. Their two different lives probably feel way more different than mine do, and mine feel different enough as it is.

Except I don’t think I’ll ever fully understand that they had different life. I can tell myself their life didn’t start two and a half years ago, I can tell myself they have things that they hold on to from the past, but I can’t fully understand what that feels like.

As my relationship with Camila grows, I realize this: I will never fully understand what she lost and she will never fully understand what I gave up.

"Beauty From Pain"

2009-10-30T09:55:00.000-07:00

by Superchick

The lights go out all around me.
One last candle to keep out the night
and then the darkness surrounds me.
I know I'm alive but I feel like I've died.
And all that's left is to accept that it's over.
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made.
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder.
I feel like I'm slipping away.

After all this has passed, I still will remain.
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain.
Though it won't be today,
someday I'll hope again
and there'll be beauty from pain.
You will bring beauty from my pain.

My whole world is the pain inside me.
The best I can do is just get through the day.
When life before is only a memory,
I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place.
And though I can't understand why this happened,
I know that I will when I look back someday
and see how you've brought beauty from ashes
and made me as gold purified through these flames.

After all this has passed, I still will remain.
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain.
Though it won't be today,
someday I'll hope again
and there'll be beauty from pain.
You will bring beauty from my pain.

Here I am, at the end of me,
tryin' to hold to what I can't see.
I forgot how to hope.
This night's been so long.
I cling to Your promise,
there will be a dawn.

After all this has passed, I still will remain.
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain.
Though it won't be today,
someday I'll hope again
and there'll be beauty from pain.
You will bring beauty from my pain.

Short Update

2009-06-19T07:25:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't been posting in here lately. I don't really have a post for y'all right now, but I do have something I've been doing the past few week.

The writing forum I'm on that all of you should have heard of by now, CleanPlace, (CP) is doing a vlog. Each week there's a new prompt, and then a group of vloggers respond to that in their own vlog that week. We each have assigned days, and the vlogs go up on CP's blog. But it's also fine to post them on our own. I've been one of the vloggers this round, (we do it in monthly sets) currently I've made three. Next week will be the last one.

So, here's the three I've done so far if you're interested,

Vlog 1
The prompt for this week was to film thirty things within ten feet of where you were videoing.

Vlog 2
This prompt was to interview someone significant in our lives.

Vlog 3
This time we were supposed to read an excerpt of our favorite story (or just one we liked) and film the introduction in a public place.

Crumbs

2009-05-04T08:37:00.000-07:00

Leaving that place, Jesus withdrew to the region of Tyre and Sidon. A Canaanite woman from that vicinity came to him, crying out, "Lord, Son of David, have mercy on me! My daughter is suffering terribly from demon-possession."
Jesus did not answer a word. So his disciples came to him and urged him, "Send her away, for she keeps crying out after us."
He answered, "I was sent only to the lost sheep of Israel."
The woman came and knelt before him. "Lord, help me!" she said.
He replied, "It is not right to take the children's bread and toss it to their dogs."
"Yes, Lord," she said, "but even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their masters' table."
Then Jesus answered, "Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted." And her daughter was healed from that very hour. -Matthew 15:21-28

On the whole Pre-destination, election topics/theology... I don’t have a formed opinion. I haven’t looked into it enough, thought about it much. I don’t necessarily think it’s something that’s extremely important to know, other than just agreeing that God is in control.

When I look at that passage though about the Canaanite women, it always gives me hope. Jesus was telling her “I didn’t come for you. I was sent only to Israel. You’re a dog. I’m feeding only my children.” Yet she still kept crying out, she knew Jesus could heal her daughter, she knew He was capable, if only he chose to. Her faith that He could, and her persistence in asking finally won out. Even though Jesus was sent only to Israel, he still granted her request.

I guess for me this makes me go, even if God has specific people chosen to be saved and ones chosen not to, he’s not going to turn down somebody who seeks his face. This doesn’t go against predestination in my opinion, since you could argue that anyone who he hasn’t chosen, won’t seek him. Therefore, no one who hasn’t been appointed beforehand will turn to Him with a right heart, because only God can change hearts...

Maybe I’m making sense, maybe I’m not. I feel like I’m just rambling. I just wanted to say that. It’s been on my mind.

Catching Up

2009-03-05T18:31:00.000-08:00

A lot has happened since I last posted an entry in here.

The two things foremost on my mind are things that have happened this past week or so.

Sassy, our cat, (who I supposedly love every inch—no, centimeter—of) disappeared for a week or two. She came back last Saturday with a hurt leg. I was overjoyed.

The whole time she'd been gone I'd been convinced she'd was dead. Sassy normally doesn't disappear for that long, so I feared the worst. I spent so much time when no one was around just sitting down and staring off into space, sometimes crying. My repeating thought was, “God, not my cat, not now. I can't do this. Not her.” ...So, as you can imagine, I was overjoyed to have her back. I love spending time with that cat, it helps that she tends to prefer me over the rest of the family. I feel bad about it when my lap is the only one she'll take, but it does make me feel pretty pleased. The fact that her leg was hurt didn't matter much. She was back!

We took Sassy to the vet on Monday. Her knee was badly hurt. Surgery would be costly, long recovery, and possibly not work anyways. We chose removal of her leg.

The operation went well, Sassy just came back today. She looks kind of odd, since they shaved a whole section of fur off her backside. Still.. she looks different, but she acts herself.

The other thing happened on Monday. Many of you know about the writing forum I'm on, CleanPlace. It's for christian teens to learn more about writing in a safe environment. Full of amazing people.

I've met several of them before, and not once have I been disappointed. In the past year or two I haven't really made any new friends there, I've simply kept the ones I made in the first year I was on. (2006)

I've made just about one new friend, a Cper that joined last August, I think. “Anywhere” is her online name, and the one I call her by. Over the months she and I have become good friends, and it's been exciting to form a new friendship online. It had been awhile.

Well, things worked out, and she came down this Monday to stay with the Burklins until mid April.

Anywhere got here about 2:30 in the afternoon. I was at the Burklins' at this point in time, so Mercy and I hurried out the door. Through the excitement of her getting here, and everybody shouting out to let people know in the back of the house, I was under the impression Flynn was a good ways behind us, coming out the other door. I was wrong. Instinctively, I closed the door. Right in front of him. :oops: It wasn't crucial though, since we all kind of stopped walking forward once Anywhere ran up and hugged Mercy. And didn't let go. :P She hugged all of us in turn, all for a good while. (Had to make up for all of those chat hugs that didn't really count)

All of us where excited, giggling, Mercy and I were chattering, Anywhere was simply trying to let it sink in that she was with us. We had some tea in hopes of calming all of us down, it kind of worked... but I think more of it got spilled than drunk, we were laughing so much.

Having her here has been amazing. It's so neat to hear things she says so often in chat, but suddenly understand how she says them, what facial expression, tone of voice, and when she laughs right after it. I love the random hugs she's always giving, and just having her there, knowing that there's pretty much nothing I could do that she would have a problem with.

Last night, I ate supper over there, then all of us who are a part of CP, (CleanPlace) (That's Flynn, Mary, Mercy, Anywhere, and I) went on a walk on campus. We ended up at Speer Chapel so Mary could play the piano some.

I found myself a perch on the wall on the balcony. Scared a few of them when I first sat up there, my feet hanging down with about 15 feet of air between me and the ground. But I liked it up there, and sat there listening to Mary playing the piano, thinking and praying. Something recently came to my attention that caused a lot of hurt in one of my friends a while ago, and she's only lately been recovering from that. So I was basically asking God why he let it happen, and if any good had come of it. He pointed out several things, and reminded me that he cares about our character, and what's six months to him when it creates the change he wants?

That was immensely good. I'm still not exactly happy about the event, but I'm will to say “Okay, Lord, you do know how to turn things for good.”

Anywhere described my pose as poetical, and said I pulled it off really well, with the vaulted ceiling, my draping cloak, my flowing hair...all of that helped. I was mostly just aware of how much I loved it up there. For those of you who don't already know, I love perches. I spots, so long as I know I'm secure in those spots. If I'm slightly off-balance, I'll move.

Anyways, that's about all I have to say, since I don't think I'll go into the details of Anywhere's visit simply because most of you don't know her at all and would probably wonder what in the world I was babbling about.

Hope you all have a blessed weekend!
-Mary/Lintehwesta/Linny

Ordinary Day

2009-03-05T18:28:00.000-08:00

This is a post I've been thinking about for a while, and have had mostly written for several weeks. It seems presentable, so I'm going to go ahead and post it.

I was once talking with a friend about a song titled “How to Save a Life.” The song is actually more about the regret of not being able to say just the right thing and magically save somebody. Anyways, to the point. My friend commented on the fact that it would be neat to have God use you to the extent of impacting somebody in such a way that it saved their life. Spiritual life, that is. And no, that was not the phrasing used, just the general idea that I remember.

It occurred to me then that this friend had impacted my life in such a way that God used it to help me turn to him, when I was ready to give up and walk away. I hadn't told her that until the day we had this conversation. It had been several months, at least, since God had used her in that way. Yet I hadn't said thanks...

“Ordinary Day” by ZOEgirl. Talks about God being in the crazy, difficult ordinary days. There's a line that says something about seeing a stranger, and how he must be an angel because he smiled when he walked by. The implication is that this stranger made the hectic day just a little better.

I don't thank my friends often enough. For being there, for laughing with me, for loving me. And on the occasion that God greatly uses a friend to teach me something, too often I forget to go to them and say that what they said that day changed me.

God has continually used my friends to stretch me, to show me things, and to remind me of His love. Every change in me I can point and say it was triggered by a friend.

So, for that, thank you. You are all awesome, and I love you.
-Mary

Reflection

2009-01-15T16:23:00.000-08:00

The beginning of this year has been a little different. Normally I spend weeks immersed in the year before, thinking about it, measuring it, deciding what exactly happened... This time, I only did that a little bit. Mostly, I've been in the here and now, and processing last year bit by bit, as time allows and in smaller chunks.

2008 wasn't a really memorable year. Nothing big happened. Or rather, lots of things happened, each alone is important, but looking back they all blend together. World Mandate, Spring Break, May, June, Hong Kong, dropping ballet, Lissi visiting, NaNo, Sam visiting, my siblings coming for Christmas break.... To name a few. There's more, but they're personal and pretain to other people as well, so I won't mention them.

Each of those things has shaped me, and I've changed. Mostly just in the past few months. The visits I mentioned really shook my life here at home, and changed a lot of things in me. Just in the beginning of this year, I've noticed that some things which would have caused worry, or some other reaction from me, didn't phase me at all.

Best thing I learned this year? Love-- in giving it, receiving it, specificaly in relation to God, my Savior.

And this time, I looking forward to 2009 eagerly. Very eagerly. God's already been moving this year in powerful ways, and I've started sowing for a deeper relationship with Him.

I can't be close to God if I don't sow the seeds for it. We'll reap what we sow, and if all I'm sowing is letting other things take up my time instead of prayer and his word, then I'm not going to reap a close relationship, I'm going to reap emptiness. So I've started sowing. One of the biggest ways has been that I'm getting up each morning to pray and read the bible. That's been going well, and I'm already seeing fruits.

God is awesome, what else can I say? I love him.

Write Or DIE!

2008-11-20T08:42:00.000-08:00

	1003

25

lab.drwicked.com

Now for another 3,000 today....

Btw, Write Or Die is an amazing little gadget thing that works just about as well as word wars (getting a friend, both writing for five minutes, and then seeing who wrote the most) except it gives you the choice of either a certain amount of time, or a word count. (I normally go for 200 words, but this time I went for 1000)

The way it helps you write is that it starts getting red when you haven't written in a couple seconds, and then it starts doing something negative (Your choice: window telling you to write, annoying noise, or starts unwriting what you wrote)

So, this has become my new writing friend. It keeps me focused, which is honestly quite the feat when I'm on the computer.

Finally!

2008-11-15T11:32:00.000-08:00

One of my characters in my story is actually talking... until now she almost never spoke a word. It's exciting for me when my characters develop--I feel like they're a child taking first steps! :D

Over-thinking

2008-11-10T16:07:00.000-08:00

So, when it comes to certain areas, I think too much. I can see this pretty plainly, and several of my friends can too, so I don't think I'm wrong in saying that.

I think too much by trying to analyze every single little detail and possible outcome of my actions. This results in me doing things I'd rather not do, I worry about everything I do, meaning I'm normally not all that relaxed, and because of those things I don't act like myself. I don't actually have fun very often. Being serious is over rated. Seriously. What is better- laughing at yourself for doing something silly and having a ton of good times to remember, or trying to decide if you did the best thing and not really being able to remember having fun with your friends?

OKay, I can see that I think too much in some ways and that it's not good. My question now is, how do I not do that? It's honestly about all I know how to do right now.

I'm not sure how to stop thinking and just enjoy myself, and so now I'm thinking even more in trying to figure this out....perhaps, if I just ask myself whenever I find myself in a situation I'm tempted to analyze, "what would I do if I didn't think it through?" And I know that's not what I should follow every time, because sometimes first instincts aren't good, but perhaps it would be better than making myself choose the harder thing every time.

On another note, my NaNo isn't going too well. I have trouble simply sitting down and doing it. There's so many distractions. I'm at about 6,000 words right now, when I should be at around 17,000.

A Point to Life?

2008-11-03T11:06:00.000-08:00

If you're reading this, you probably already know just how much I like to think and analyze things.

For the past couple of weeks I hadn't been able to shake the feeling and belief that life is pointless. As I thought about it and dug into it, the only answer I could come up with for a reason for there to even be human existence, much less live, was what I've heard people say: Our purpose on earth is to bring God glory.

Unfortunately, that didn't cut it for me. My analytical mind immediately shot that down. If our only purpose is to glorify a God who is everything, who needs nothing from us, and has angels that worship him, then what point is there in that? Yes, God is awesome and deserves honor and worship, but he already has it. Don't try to tell me he needs us--I won't fall for it.

So, if that's not the purpose, then was is? I started getting fairly worried, and I was scared to voice my thoughts out loud. What if I'm proven right? What if "to bring God glory" is the only answer that others can give me?

Yesterday though, I voiced my thoughts out loud to a friend, and was immensely relieved to find I'm not the only one who hasn't settled for just that.

She first brought up what the Westminster Catechism says: "Man's chief end is to glorify God, and to enjoy him forever." Then also that when asked what the greatest commandment was, Jesus replied that it's to love God. We talked for some more time about this, and other things, and when I came home I started reading in Romans, and then moved to 1st John.

1st John 4:7-12 "Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us."

vs. 16 "We know and rely on the love God has for us."
vs. 19 "We love because he first loved us."
vs. 21 "And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother."

5:1-2 "Everyone who believes that Jesus is the Christ is born of God, and everyone who loves the father loves his child as well. This is how we know that we love the children of God: by loving God and carrying out his commands."

As I read over these verses, it's pretty clear that loving God and loving others is closely entwined. If you love God, you'll love your brother. Love comes from God, and God is love. No one has ever seen God, so we can't know exactly what His love looks like... but God did show us his love by sending his son into the world that we might live through him. Also, when we love one another, we are showing others God's love.

So, our purpose is to love God, and to love others. When we love God, we'll carry out his commands. 2 John, vs 6 says "And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love." When we love God, glorifying him will come naturally. Glorifying God is important, but if we try to do that without loving him... we end up failing pretty badly.

These are my thoughts of late, and I can't begin to explain how hard it was to be tackling with a question I couldn't answer, and how thankful I am to have it answered. I'm still thinking through all this, and trying to see exactly how I should apply it to my life.

A couple of songs came to mind that relate to this topic:

Tobymac's "Made to Love." Specifically the lines, "Whatever happened to a passion I could life for? What became of the flame that made me feel more? And when did I forget? I was made to love You!"

"Knowing You" (don't know who it's by) "Knowing You, Jesus, knowing You. There is no greater thing. You're my all, You're the best, You're my joy, my righteousness. And I love You, Lord"

Skillet, "Whispers in the Dark" ... "My love is just waiting to turn your tears to roses. I will be the One that's gonna hold you, I will be the One that you run to. My love is a burning, consuming fire."

"Everything" by Lifehouse, "You are my purpose, You're everything."

"Love Them Like Jesus" by Casting Crowns: "Love them like Jesus, carry them to Him. His yoke is easy, His burden is light. You don't need the answers to all of life's questions, just know that He loves them, and stay by their side. Love them like Jesus."

Oh, and have I mentioned that God is awesome, not just because he is, but also because he loves us?

NaNo

2008-10-26T13:01:00.000-07:00

I'm going to attempt to do National Novel Writing Month this year... (look up www.nanowrimo.org if you don't know what it is)

I've been plotting and getting my storyline pulled together, and have come to a problem. I combined two stories that have been brewing for a long time, and I realized that now I have these characters that we can't do without...but one of them is essential to everything that happens, but he has nothing he actually does.

So... I'm trying to figure out how to incorporate him better. Maybe give him some essential leading role. Don't know right now.

Poetry

2008-10-06T14:35:00.000-07:00

I know that for most of you, it seems like I write poetry more than stories... that's somewhat true, but I've always had a bit more passion for my stories than my poems, even though I love both dearly.

Recently though, I've been participating in a poetry challenge on CleanPlace, the writers' forum I'm on, and discovering the joy of structured poetry. This is something I used to avoid, but now I'm seeing how it can add a ton to your poem.

So, I toyed around and created my own poetry form. The first poem I used writing it fell flat on its face, this one seemed to turn out better:

Falling

Falling, falling,
into this familiar place.
I’ve been here before,
have I not?

No longer am I
falling, falling,
into that familiar place.
I’d been there before.

I reach out a hand to help.
For no longer am I
falling, falling,
into that familiar place.

In gratitude, all I can do
is reach out a hand to help.
For no longer am I
falling, falling.

Have I not
been there before?
in that familiar place,
falling, falling?

Pet Topic / "Teenage Bones"

2008-09-26T15:04:00.000-07:00

Remember my post, "A Thousand Options", from mid-May? Well, even if you don't, that's OK. I mentioned that "I could write about a topic that keeps appearing here and there that I don't think I've written about on this blog. Odd, I haven't? Hmm... Maybe I'll have to fix that because it's a pet topic of mine."

A pet topic of mine...Very true. Something I've considered writing about here many times. But the more I think about it, and the more I try, the more I decide that no, I'm not going to. At least not now. Why? Because I want to do the topic justice, and I currently don't feel I can. Not in writing, that is.

Thought you were finally gonna hear about it? Well, sorry. If you ever wanna ask me in person what my "pet topic" is, feel free. ;)

On to other things:

Don't you just love breaking the norms?

There's this park day thing going on every friday afternoon. It's where some homeschooling moms and kids get together to (respectively) talk and play. I went last week, and there was one other teenager with two friends of hers. ...Actually, that's a lie. There were a couple other teenagers, but young ones (like my 13 year old sister) that played with the kids. ...Anyways, I knew that this time there may or may not be anybody there. Then I found out that my siblings weren't going, (Camila wasn't done with school, Daniel didn't want to) so if I went, Mom would drop me off and leave.

Notice something about that? ...What teenager specifically asks her mom to take her to the park where a ton of kids are playing and the only person to hang out with would be somebody who she's only seen a couple times? Well, evidentially this one does.

So, despite the fact that every "teenage" bone in my body was saying I'm a fool, I went. :P With the reassurance that if nobody was there to hang out with I'd just go back home with Mom. But what kind of choice did I have? I could either stay home and be harassed by my siblings, or go and be potentially bored...Hmm.... easy choice for me.

Well, I went, and then went straight into the normal teenager habit which satisfied those screaming bones; I walked away from all the "homeschool mamas" with my friend and sat talking with her for the next two hours. She did bring games, but hey, why play with those when you can talk? ;)

A Poem

2008-09-22T17:57:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to write a poem that fit three different requirements... I finally gave up, and wrote a poem without heeding the three things, and in the end I had met them. I'll refrain from saying anymore about the poem. (they should speak for themselves, shouldn't they?)

Regret

Sitting down to write,
I find I cannot
for something clouds my thoughts.
What it is I’m not
sure but in it is a wish
that I had done different.

The day washes up and I
find it is empty.
Wasted away by reading
and avoiding things.
My afternoon is gone and
night comes softly with regret.

Pike

2008-09-20T16:03:00.000-07:00

During hurricane Ike a tree fell from our yard, into the neighbor's yard. Luckily no damage was done to their house. We had some people chop it up, but had them leave it there. Dad figured it would be better for us to haul it to the curb where the city would pick it up than for him to pay them to do that. He gave us kids the choice, though, of either doing it as a chore on Saturday morning, or doing other chores in the morning and doing that in the afternoon for a little bit of money. Dad gave us that last option because he would have payed much more to pay the tree people to do it.

So, naturally, all of us kids jumped on the chance to earn some money. I didn't jump quite as much, but I figured, "what could it hurt? It's not like I have anything else to do today."

So we worked from 1 until 4:50 on that tree. By the end, I decided he had to have a name, and I thought maybe it should go along with the hurricane that moved him. But not the same... So I was working off of "Ike" and thought; "Silk" then I thought, "but he pokes me a lot" (*glances at scrapes on arms* he really did) So then I thought "Pike! It's perfect; Poke, Ike, put them together... and besides, pikes are pokey!" I was thinking of the weapon pike, btw.

After that, I decided to call the tree Pike. When I mentioned that to Daniel and Camila, they didn't like the idea that I had come up with the name. They went back and forth with other names, then Camila suddenly realized how fitting Pike was, and got excited. With that done, we were nearly done working anyways.

We made seven piles of Pike, and still have a bunch of log pieces left, but we'll deal with those another day. (Piles... that goes with the Poke, Ike, and Pike thing! =D )

As I'm sitting here listening to my family in the kitchen, my right forearm is stinging slightly, due to when my arm got trapped under a heavy log when I put it on the pile, and my shoulders and neck are hurting from the lifting and moving and stuff. I attempted to do as much with my legs as I could, but sometimes that didn't work. So now I ask myself, "Was it worth it?"

Yes.

I'm tired, and it was more work than I'd consider worth the money...(I can always babysit and get the money much easier) but the money wasn't my main concern. First, it needed to get done. Second, working outside and doing hard work, it's satisfying. I knew those when I started, so according to my original thoughts it was worth it.

But that's not why I say it was worth it. What made the whole thing worthwhile was that all three of us kids worked, and didn't fight. Some complaining did start happening, but that wasn't too bad. I was just so thankful to God that it went well. Normally during work times there's arguments and people not wanting to work, but this time that didn't happen.

That's why I say it was worth it, for the time of agreement with my siblings.

Finally, an update!

2008-08-16T11:59:00.000-07:00

Sorry for leaving you all in the dark for so long, I didn't have time to blog in Hong Kong, and I haven't got around to it since I've been back.

I've now been home for two and a half weeks. I've been in the states for three weeks now.

The Hong Kong trip was amazing. I'll give you a couple highlights, but if you want to hear any more, feel free to ask me. I have many more things to say.

-I almost died. (Naturally, when does that not happen in a foreign country?) I was walking across a street, following other members. They were about a street ahead of me, so I was starting to cross the street when they had just finished. One of the team members, Hilary, reached out and pulled me back, right before a bus rumbled by.

-I've known for a long time God had called me to go somewhere, but I didn't have any clue where. Halfway through the trip, God told me where--Japan.

-God taught me a lot about myself, and about himself.

-I formed some friendships with some youth over there, and am still in contact with them.

-We had an awesome team.

I hope you all had a great summer!

Later

2008-06-21T19:03:00.000-07:00

The suitcase sits there,
staring at me.
I sit across from the suitcase,
staring at it.

Less then a day now,
my mind tells me.
In a year from now,
my heart says.

Could I be leaving tomorrow?
Impossible!
Next month, maybe even next year,
but not tomorrow.

Yet here I am,
packed.
And waiting for something,
for it to be time.

Time to board the plane,
to fly.
Time to go to another country,
to be gone.

Yet I’m still here,
Now.
All that stuff?
Later.

I'll fly across the ocean,
but later.
I’ll see old friends and make new,
later.

Be in a foreign country and homesick?
Later.
Live day by day with unknowns and new things?
Later.

Surely it will all happen,
but just later.
It can’t happen now,
surely it can’t.

My mind can’t comprehend it--
The time must be later.
I don’t know when,
but not now.

Now would be just fine,
but it can’t be.
All I know is that
it’s later.

But later will soon sneak up on me.
Later.
Soon I’ll realize--
Later is tomorrow.

Quick Note

2008-06-20T13:23:00.000-07:00

While I'm in Hong Kong I'll be sending email updates. If you would like to get on that emailing list, let me know and I'd be glad to. I also might get Mom to post them on here for me, I haven't decided yet.

To Do List

2008-06-19T07:50:00.000-07:00

-Go to dance
-Pack
-Review clothes and make sure I have all the shirts I need
-Say goodbye to multiple friends
-Try to get Mom to let me go to the Arts View Theatre's Jungle Book performance, preferably on Saturday.
-Get shoes.
-Buy a few leftover items, like body powder. (It's humid there)
-Pray
-Make sure my AC Adapter for my MP3 player works. I'd hate to run out of batteries while gone!
-Get my flight times to the people I'm staying with in El Paso before I leave for Hong Kong. (Don't want to never make it out of the airport...)

That's it! I'm surprised at how small it is now...It's no longer daunting, how amazing. (there's only ten things on there) I know I never made one when it was daunting, but there were definitely a lot more things on it at the beginning of the week.

Jackpot

2008-06-18T06:31:00.000-07:00

Monday and Tuesday were spent shopping. I abhore shopping. Yet I did it anyways, because I have to. When I go to Hong Kong I can't wear jeans, because they'll be too hot. It's extremely hot and humid there. Jeans are my main choice of wear. Which meant I needed clothes.

So we shopped. According to the to bring list, I need 2-3 pairs of capris, 3 shorts, and two pairs of preformance pants/capris. None of which I had. Mom and I had been going from store to store and finding nothing that worked. We found some at Old Navy, but I don't like them. They're tolerable, but that's it.

Our last stop yesterday was Burlington Coat Factory, and as I was going through I started finding these pants, capris, and shorts that all looked like they'd work. And they were all by the same company. Sure enough, they fit great, and on top of that were at great prices. So we bought them, and now I can breathe freely knowing I don't have to go shopping again. =) I'll have to make some Walmart runs, but those don't really count since it won't be for clothes.

I now understand what Mom has said in the past. It seems that God provides just what we need, when we need it for these trips. I needed these pants, and we found them. The lack of good pants/capris/shorts had been seriously worrying me, but then we found them all at once! I'm in awe. I also love the shorts best, which surprised me, since I don't normally like shorts. But I like these ones.

My plane leaves in four days! Wow.

A gamble

2008-06-12T17:22:00.000-07:00

In the past couple days it's been occurring to me just how much I'm going to miss my friends when I'm gone. Maybe the anticipation will be worse than the actual separation, but it sure looks bad! I find it hard to grasp that I won't see most of my friends for at least five weeks, some it'll be seven. For me, this is a bit staggering. I have my routine, and I tend to schedule everything around when I can next see a friend. So the thought of five or seven weeks is a bit astounding. Not to mention that I'll miss out on that much time of their life, and they on mine. A whole month of time that could have been spent getting to know each other even better, building more memories, talking in the shade. . .

Then again, when I think about what I'll be doing instead, I know that I wouldn't give it up for time with friends. Besides, I'll probably make friends on the trip. :)

This is most likely brought on because a group of my friends left to CO to meet up with a bunch of my online friends, which means my afternoons are emptier than before. They left today, I said goodbye last night. I won't see any of them for at least seven weeks, how sad is that? Sometimes I wish I didn't get so emotionally attached to my friends, but I think it's part of who I am, and I'm okay with it most of the time. It's only when it comes to things like this that I wish I could just disconnect myself.

On a brighter note, I will see all of my friends again, at some time or another, and I know that this trip will probably far surpass any expectations I had for it. I can't know what God has in store, but He normally has better things in store than I'd planned, even if it takes some time to see the better part. I recently ran into a Relient K song (yes, I like them. They tend to put things so clearly and cleverly...) that has a little clip that I love, "I won't think twice, or even three times, about taking a gamble with You. Because with my life You have been so kind"

That is so true! I can complain half the time I post on here, I can point out all the rough bits of my life, (which highly involve my own failings) and I can do any number of things, but when I really sit back and think about it, I can see that God has been kind. He's slowly been working in my life, and I can truthfully say I am much happier now that I've mostly given God the reins than when I kept them for myself. I may fall, I may sometimes decide to embrace the black hole I can see at times, but He always calls me back and draws me to Him and into light again. He reminds me of times gone when I've found rest in Him, times when I've laughed out loud for the unexpected joy that He's given me. . .I can't live without Him, and so I always find myself returning to Him.

All that to say, going on this trip is a gamble for me. I can see what I'd have if I stayed home, but I don't know what this trip will hold. But I believe it's a gamble God has asked me to take, and since every gamble I've taken with Him (willingly or not) has turned out for good, and since He has only ever been abundantly good to me, I'm willing to take this one up.

Rest

2008-06-06T11:00:00.000-07:00

Rest.

To rest in God's love and strength, to marvel at His creation. . .This is something I love to be able to do. So often I cheat myself from this joy by trying to find rest in a book, or by letting worries choke out simple trust in God.

Some lines from a song by Jeni Varnideau explain well what I'm thinking of; "This is rest, this is peace, this surpasses understanding"

I look at nature, especially the clouds, and I find myself longing for this life to be over, to be home... Yet other times I find myself not wanting it to be over, not yet. There are too many people who haven't known God. "To die is gain, to live is Christ" as the apostle Paul said.

A Garage Sale and a Sunburn

2008-05-27T06:25:00.001-07:00

Okay, so the garage sale hasn't happened yet, but the sunburn sure has! While in Oklahoma we went to a water park (I'd never been to one before...) and because it was such a cloudy day at first I neglected to put sunscreen on. Peter did as well. As I'm sure you can guess, it got sunny later on, and I got sunburned. Probably about an hour before we left, Mom said I was "pink" and that I should go put sunscreen on. I did, and I'm sure it helped. But I'm sunburned practically everywhere. My neck got away without any sun, and my face partially did. My shoulders did not, and neither did my back.

I discovered today that my left shoulder has formed some blisters on the sunburn. Ouch. I haven't been sunburned this badly before, and I don't think I'll forget sunscreen again this summer. Hopefully not next summer either.

Yesterday I spent most of the day helping Mom sort through garage sale stuff. A lot of people gave us leftovers from their garage sales, and we're so thankful to have pre-priced things! Since we have so much stuff, we took all the things we weren't sure would sell and sent them to Goodwill. Along with some things that Goodwill wouldn't be able to sell, which went into the trash. Even with all of our sorting, there's still a lot. We tackled one of our storing spots, and have a van-full of nice stuff. Now for the other two places. . . This garage sale is to raise money for my trip to Hong Kong. I already have around $1000 from donations, and we normally get at least $1000 from our garage sales. Prayer that it would go well would be appreciated. (I'll need around 33 hundred dollars for this trip)

Another noteworthy thing about yesterday is that we went to go watch Prince Caspian. I really enjoyed it. There were multiple deviations from the book, but it was still a good film.

Oklahoma City

2008-05-22T18:46:00.000-07:00

We'll be going to OKC this weekend to visit Jonathan and Kelly. (My brother and his wife) I'm looking forward to this, as I miss seeing them and would like to know what their new home looks like. I also won't get to see them in June when everybody else gets to. . .I'll either be in El Paso or Hong Kong by that time. Which I'm looking forward to, but it'll be hard to not see so many family members that I haven't seen for a while. (Rachael and William, for instance. I haven't seen then since last December)

Dad finished reading Prince Caspian to my younger siblings last night, and this evening he started Voyage of the Dawn Treader. They seem to like it. (What else could be expected?)

This week has been a blur. Not the good kind of blur. My dreams have been exhausting, I've been thinking too much during the day, things that shouldn't have me worried do, and I spend about half the day wandering around the house wondering what to do or reading. Both fairly mindless activities. Although I have been getting things done the other half, they are done in the same mood.

I hesitate to post this, but I hate not being real. Normally I just don't post, but I do want to post today . . . and I guess I'm also posting it because I'd really appreciate prayer. These days have felt too much like last summer which was hard for me, and I fear falling again. I know I've changed a lot, but I also know I still hold on to feelings that create depression when they linger. For some reason they are something I want to grab a hold of and taste. My friend Cassie said recently (on her blog) that she tends to want to experince all feelings to their full, that made me pause and realize that I too do that. I want to taste the painful feelings and draw them out. Not a good thing, but something that's very real for me. I struggle with it.

I'm off to bed now. I hope you all have a blessed weekend!

A Thousand Options

2008-05-17T18:01:00.000-07:00

I have a dozen different things floating through my mind right now that I could write about. To be honest with you, I'm really not sure what I want to write about. I could write about some event and try to make it humorous, I could write about certain abstract nouns, I could write about a couple different topics on my mind, or I could even write about what I ate for breakfast. :P
Which, btw, was scrambled eggs. ;)

Maybe I'll write about a song. A song that has become important to me over the past few months.
Or maybe I won't. Instead I could write about a topic that keeps appearing here and there that I don't think I've written about on this blog. Odd, I haven't? Hmm... Maybe I'll have to fix that because it's a pet topic of mine.

My point is, there are so many different options and I'm not even sure I'll take any of them. I don't write in here as often as I could because I don't like decisions. Which topic to talk about and how to pull it out to its full potential is where my problem lies. Months ago I had two things I was thinking about, I know one of them was grace, and I don't know what the other one was. What happened after agonizing over it for hours? If I remember correctly, I didn't post either.

Above is a sample of my daily life thoughts. If you can see how it goes in loops and circles and arrives to some conclusions but keeps coming around to earlier things, you might be able to understand some of my thought patterns.

Now, which topic...?

Theology

2008-05-08T08:19:00.000-07:00

I have recently discovered how interested I am in theology. Our pastor has been teaching a class on Wednesday nights that is about how we got the bible. This has covered things like the canonization of the New Testament, the methods of translation, and many other areas. I unfortunately missed two of these classes. Often times we go into theological bunny trails. Although some find this needless, I’ve been finding myself more and more interested in them.

For those of you who didn’t already know this about me, I thrive on thought. Give me something to think about, facts to draw a conclusion, and somebody to talk about them with, and I’ll be occupied for a long time. That somebody to talk about them with can even be my journal! I prefer live people though ;). My first noted topic (I spent around three weeks intensively considering and discussing it before my mind let me drop it) was ‘masks’. I don’t mean the physical ones, I mean what people put up to hide their real self. That was back in the fall of ‘06. This side of me has since been developing more and more. Normally there is something I’m thinking about all the time, and sometimes I’ll find something that I’m really thinking about and then I’m plunged into constant thought for the next few days. My mom says I think too much. This is something I’ve been keeping in mind, and has resulted in my trying to moderate how much I ‘think’. Sitting around contemplating all day won’t do much good–action is important to daily life and sometimes it’s best not to dwell on things for too long.

That said, I’ll continue.

This class has opened up a new possibility to me. I never saw theology as something I could mull over. That may sound odd to you, but I think it’s because I never thought much about what studying theology would be like.

These bunny trails have given me a glimpse of what I might discover in theology. I have been considering theology has a major in college...luckily that’s still three years away, I don’t have to decide yet.

What worries me a little about the thought of digging into all these thought trains and beliefs and nit-picky differences is that my faith would become only a side taken and not a personal relationship ship with my Lord. Yet I think that is something that can be avoided, if I’m careful. Another danger would be pride. If I were to major in theology, one worry is that I would start to look at myself as more learned and think I’m better because I ‘understand more’ about my faith. Again though, I think that is something that can be avoided if I approach it in the right way.

All that said, I love these bunny trails. Especially last night’s one.

Pastor Bo went into how the term "Sinful Nature" comes with a whole theological background. From my understanding the best place to start would be the original sin.

When Adam fell, what happened? Pastor Bo detailed two different thoughts.

-That we gained something in the fall. That sin entered the world and that Adam’s original sin carries on to each of us. We are born guilty and already sinful.
-We lost something. With sin now between us and God, nothing is there to police our desires of the flesh that God placed in us. From there each of us sins by satisfying our flesh in the wrong ways.

I won’t tell you which one I agree with, since I haven’t fully decided myself. I haven’t had the chance to delve into it. I only know what my pastor said.

He did bring up that the first school of thought brings up the question of how Christ was sinless. Since we’re all guilty from birth, why wasn’t Jesus guilty from birth? The answer would involve the fact that he was born of a virgin. The second school of thought explains that he was still tempted, but didn’t sin because he never followed his fleshly desires in an incorrect way.

The term, "Sinful Nature", comes from the first belief.

This bunny trail has me thoroughly excited. To think! That discussion opened my mind to so many things I hadn’t thought about before and helped a few other things fall into place. That there are even more things like that out there waiting for me to stumble upon–This thrills me.

Dance Recital

2008-04-27T06:28:00.000-07:00

It's over. . . and we get to do it all over again next year! :D

My dance recital was last night, and I think it went well. Since I was in four dances, the night went by so fast. My back has been bothering me again, meaning that my left leg has been acting up, resulting in me being unable to do my left leg splits in one of my dances. That bothered me greatly. It's not a matter of flexibilty, it's my back that keeps my leg from preforming to its full ability. At least I was in the back during that time. Camila did wonderful, she's so beautiful, especially when she's onstage. She's been saying she'll quit dance after the recital, but I doubt that, she loves it too much!

Trust

2008-04-07T10:40:00.000-07:00

I apologize ahead of time for the disjointedness of this entry. I had multiple unrelated things I wanted to talk about/mention.

Hong Kong. That's where, God willing, I'll be going this summer for those of you who may be wondering. Other than that, I don't have too much that's interesting to say, but allow me to talk to you about something that I've been thinking about for months now.

Psalm 32:10 "Many are the woes of the wicked; but the LORD's unfailing love surrounds those who trust in Him."

I keep finding verses like that sprinkled throughout bible. I believe that trust is a very important factor in our faith. God constantly asks us to trust Him. He has never given me a reason to distrust Him, but somehow trust is hard. I think it's because we can have the idea that if we trust Him he'll do things that we don't want Him to do. We want the control because we don't trust that He'll make good choices. It's true that He often times does things that aren't what we'd want to do, but still, God knows best. And no matter how painful the changes He makes are, I've found that not trusting God ends up being more painful. I think trust and grace are also intertwined. Part of trusting God for me is also knowing that so long as I'm trusting Him, I don't have to be prefect. His grace is ready to catch me when I stumble.

I'll wrote a poem today that I would like to share with you.

More
Do you ever want for something more?
Just stare at that cup
and wish it would ease that deep feeling,
that wrench in your gut?
Or maybe wish that it would satisfy,
rather than only make your throat wet.
Do you ever need something more?
Feeling like if you don’t find it,
you’ll give up and implode
before the day is out?
Or maybe just sit down.
Sit down and drown that need in nothing.

Summer Plans

2008-04-03T09:11:00.000-07:00

Proverbs 19:6 - "In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps."

I was sure I was going to Hong Kong this summer, but after I sent Vinnie the email that said "Yes, I'll go" I had no peace about it. This came to a climax yesterday after I'd spent some time in prayer. I went off to go do something, and suddenly felt extremely uneasy about going to Hong Kong. Not fearful, not inadequate, but just not at peace.

So I'm praying. I haven't told Vinnie yet that I'm not going, because I'm not 100% positive that God doesn't want me to go. I still need to pray some more about it. There are other options for this summer besides Hong Kong, so I'm looking into those and praying about those too. I would love to go on the Hong Kong team, but if that's not God's will, then I don't want to go.

I'm off now, just wanted to let y'all know what's going on with me right now.

Spring Break

2008-03-24T18:38:00.001-07:00

I'll just make a brief post now. There is possibly more following later.

The Grand Canyon was amazing. Tiring and stressful, but still good. I enjoyed that. I'd never quite realized how deep it was. Our schedule got changed because the first trail we went down was too dangerous so we had to turn back and do another. Because of that, we got to spend more time with my grandparents. I went shoping, of my own volition, surprise surprise! I really don't like shoping, but I wanted to that time. I liked the time with my grandma and Mom.

Spring Break went well. I'd been worring that it would be stressful, but it wasn't this year. The teachings were about wholeheartedness. Nothing specifically struck me, but all that Vinnie said seemed to back up things I'd recently been learning, and a couple things he said helped me clear up some things I'd been confused about. He's really good at teaching just basic truths in a way that anybody can understand, but also in a way that everybody benifits from hearing them and you don't feel like you've heard it before a thousand times.

Well, I gotta go to bed now, though I doubt I'll be asleep soon. Where I was in Mexico it was two hours behind us, so to me it feels like 6:48 instead of 8:48. . .Although I am slowly getting used to this time.

I hope you all have a blessed week!

Trips.

2008-03-07T05:14:00.000-08:00

Tonight, around 7 or 9, we (my family and I) leave for the Grand Canyon. All tonight and tomorrow we'll be driving there; it's a eighteen hour drive. On Sunday we'll hike down into the Grand Canyon with backpacks on. We'll spend four nights, five days there. On the fifth day, Thursday, we'll hike out and then drive a few hours over to where my grandparents are staying. We'll visit with them that evening, and the next Friday morning. Around noon, we'll drive to El Paso, Texas. About a nine hour drive.

Saturday morning Mom, Dad, Camila, and Daniel will all drive home. Peter and I will stay. We will be going on a mission trip to Juarez, Mexico. Just right over the border from El Paso. We'll be getting home from that late at night on Friday, the 21st.

Over all, I'm looking forward to these trips. I think I'll be ready to be home by the time they're over, (maybe not though, you never know!) but I think I'll be glad I went. Who knows what things God has in store. :)

One last thing.

Something I’ve been thinking about lately is how God created us for His glory, so shouldn’t we live our lives to glorify Him? As I don't really have time right now, I'll write more about the next time I post, which may be a long time from now.

Poem

2008-02-21T17:00:00.000-08:00

Thoughts swirl through my mind,
they're of every sort and kind.
Music adds to the confusion,
keeping me from a conclusion.

A thousand thoughts compete
for first place in these heats.
I wonder which will win,
as I sit down again.

"That's not fair!"

2008-02-11T13:54:00.000-08:00

"But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair" Relient K, "Be My Escape"

For family devos a while ago, we read Matthew 20:1-16(NIV):

The Parable of the Workers in the Vineyard

"For the kingdom of heaven is like a landowner who went out early in the morning to hire men to work in his vineyard. He agreed to pay them a denarius for the day and sent them into his vineyard.

"About the third hour he went out and saw others standing in the marketplace doing nothing. He told them, 'You also go and work in my vineyard, and I will pay you whatever is right.' So they went. "He went out again about the sixth hour and the ninth hour and did the same thing. About the eleventh hour he went out and found still others standing around. He asked them, 'Why have you been standing here all day long doing nothing?'

" 'Because no one has hired us,' they answered. "He said to them, 'You also go and work in my vineyard.'

"When evening came, the owner of the vineyard said to his foreman, 'Call the workers and pay them their wages, beginning with the last ones hired and going on to the first.' "The workers who were hired about the eleventh hour came and each received a denarius. So when those came who were hired first, they expected to receive more. But each one of them also received a denarius. When they received it, they began to grumble against the landowner. 'These men who were hired last worked only one hour,' they said, 'and you have made them equal to us who have borne the burden of the work and the heat of the day.'

"But he answered one of them, 'Friend, I am not being unfair to you. Didn't you agree to work for a denarius? Take your pay and go. I want to give the man who was hired last the same as I gave you. Don't I have the right to do what I want with my own money? Or are you envious because I am generous?'

"So the last will be first, and the first will be last."

Daniel and Camila are always trying to make things be fair... The day we read that passage, Dad mentioned how God will always be fair (the workers agreed to one denarius, one was the normal day's wage, and they got one denarius for their day's work) but He's also generous at times.

I started thinking about how everyone (well... mostly kids) wants life to be fair, and how people say that life isn't fair... And I realized; I don't want life to be fair. The beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair. I want grace! If life were only fair, we wouldn't have grace. If there wasn't grace, I would be dead. (I'll let you decide what I mean by that) Grace is getting what you don't deserve. Hardly fair, right?

And mercy. Mercy is not getting what you deserve. "For the wages of sin is death" (Romans 6:23a) I know what I deserve, and I'm so glad God's mercy means I don't get it.

So mercy and grace. I'd say that both of those things aren't fair. But yet, where would we be without them? I, for one, am glad life is not fair.

Isn't it amazing, that God had a way of remaining just, merciful, and gracious? I'm not going to try to figure out if He's "fair", but then, He's not going to say "I'll give you one denarius" and then not when we've done the day's work, right?

Another thing this passage made me think about; All the workers got the same reward. Even those that had come almost too late. I don't know about you, but that comforts me. It gives me the impression that even if I fail and don't start following God faithfully until later than others, He's not going to treat me differently. The first workers who grumbled, they said that He had made them equal to those who only worked one hour. I'm happy to know that even if I don't start until the third, sixth, or eleventh hour I'll still get what was promised.

Maybe that last deduction/paragraph isn't something that was supposed to be made, but it seems to me to be a logical one.

As Paul said though, "What then? Shall we sin because we are not under the law but under grace? By no means!" (Romans 6:15) Should we wait until the eleventh hour? No. We don't know when the twelfth hour will come. Who knows if I even have one more minute? Also, I don't know about you, but I'd rather spend 12 hours in God's vineyard than 11 hours loitering (or 11 in another's vineyard, which is more likely) and only one in God's vineyard.

"No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God." (Luke 9:62)

Babysitting

2008-02-09T12:56:00.001-08:00

I have decided that I really like babysitting. Something about being around little kids always refreshes me. I think it's their innocence, their pure laughter. . .They always amaze me and leave me in a place where I'm in awe of God once again.

I've been tagged!

2008-01-10T13:36:00.000-08:00

Julia has tagged me, and she apparently has the power to change the rules slightly. Sorry I took so long in posting this, I've been trying to decide what I want to put up, I think I've finally thought of as many things as I can think of. :)

Rules:

*Link to the person that tagged you and post the rules on your blog.

*Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself on your blog, we all want to know them.

*Tag 7 random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs.

*Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

Julia's Twist:
*Write as many (appropriate) weird things as you can think of!

I will ignore rule two and replace it with Julia's Twist. And I'm afraid I must also skip the tagging part, as everybody whose blogs I read have been tagged!

*I love clouds-I'm always looking in the sky to see them. The best days are sunny, bright blue sky, plenty of amazing clouds, cool outside, slight wind... *Sighs wishfully* That is when it's really nice outside, in my opinion.
*I used to be obsessed with the middle ages.
*Because of that above fact, I'll think in terms such as "the King's right hand man" and such, this greatly effects where I position things at times. (I may place somebody I like at my right. . .or place myself at their right. . .or arrange three knick-knacks of mine with my favorite in the middle, second to its right, and least favorite on the other side)
*I almost always have hair bands around my right wrist... and they have to be the right colors. (Black, white, and one odd color)
*I can, as my mom puts it, do the hula with my eyebrows. I can move my ears up and down too.
*Socks. They can't be too thick. They can't be tight at my toes. The seam can't be in the wrong place. . .I'm picky about my socks.
*I love going on walks on campus, specifically down to the pond to enjoy the scenery.
*For some odd, unknown reason, I like throwing/shooting things (like hair bands, grass, sticks, anything in reach...) at people.
*I enjoy ciphers, (commonly known as codes) and have tried to pull almost all my friends into them. Needless to say, that's only worked on one of my friends. I made up my own cipher years ago, and it looks kind of like a scribbly cursive, but I know if so well I can read it fairly easily.
*Along with liking ciphers, I learned how to write things backwards. The way they would appear in a mirror. I've lost my rapidity on that, but I still read it well and can write it at a good pace.
*I enjoy curling up on my bed and jotting down my thoughts in poetry form, or in my journal.
*I have an adorable nephew, he's the cutest =)
*I like to be sure of things. Even if I'm pretty positive I know something, I'll go ahead and ask just to double check my calculated guess.

That's all for now, I'll try and make another blog entry soon that has a little more in it than just random and weird facts. I might post a poem later today.

End of One Year, Beginning of Another

2007-12-31T20:53:00.000-08:00

Okay, so maybe the next year hasn’t "begun" quite yet, but just another three or so hours and it will...

Each New Year’s Eve/Day, I find it hard to grasp that it has been a whole year since the previous December/January. Sometimes I don’t think it has been long enough, and sometimes I think it’s been too long for only one year. This year it’s the latter. I think back to January 1st, 2007 and all that happened that month. And then I look to May, and they seem so much further apart than five months. I look from May to September. . .Only four months? Impossible! Not really, but still, those months seemed so long... And from September until now, I think it’s been so long, but at the same time (unlike the others) I think it was just yesterday.

So, that all equals: 2007 was a full year. Very full.

Want it in a nutshell?
- I fell away from God.
- I got two new siblings.
-I fought change tooth and nail.
-I fell down, and even further down.
-I lost hope.
-I watched friends, saw them at places with God I was not, I saw some reach that place when before they weren’t there... They all affected me greatly and God used some of them to call me back to Him.
-I found new hope.
-More struggles,
-Then I finally started focusing and surrendering to God.
Since then, its been uphill (work) but still up, not down. . .So different.

Nutshell over.
I will now continue to ramble and think, be warned that I like to talk. =)

I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was watching my friends, seeing how they lived. The friends I’m talking about have come from different circles, but they all cling to God. None of them pretend to be perfect, which makes them even better friends, because I know that I don’t have to be perfect either.

Over the summer, at my lowest points, I wonder now what I clung to. I think it was a knowledge that there was more than darkness. That there is light. Also what has been reinforced all my life, as long as I can remember; God is real. And God is good. I didn’t give up believing in Him, I just stopped believing Him. Does that make sense? I knew He was real, but I gave up hope that I could find peace in Him, that I could really make it out of darkness. So, even though I lost hope, I still clung to the things I considered facts. I wasn’t ready to let go of them. And during the time I seemed like I was just about ready to let go of them, to forget that there is light, I received hope. I’m not sure what exactly happened. It was during communion at church, and I found myself assured of God’s presence. At that moment, there’s was no doubt. That kept me going for another month, when some other things turned the tables and helped me start heading back uphill instead of downhill.

Daniel and Camila... I look at them now, I see their smiling faces, I hear about Camila saying (while talking about Mom and Dad) "And they love us!" And I don’t regret. I don’t regret going through the pain, I don’t regret the times they’ve lashed out in anger and hurt me. They were so hurt, they had so much anger built up within them, and they still do. But slowly that has come out, the hurt has begun to heal. They’ve grown more secure, and there’s no way I would want them to go back to their old life. What did they have for them in Colombia? Really, I can only see very dark prospects, I shudder to think of where Camila might have ended up, and Daniel.. He was definitely headed for a bad life, he likes gangster looks, he used to think stealing was cool/fun. I am so glad they have a new life here.

All I can say, is that the more I think of last summer, and then now, the more I am grateful to my Creator. It has been a hard year, for all of my family, but it’s been good. People say "Being in God’s will is the safest place" I would change that to the best place. Safest makes you think of easiest. God’s will isn’t always for the cushy and easy life, I would venture to say that it’s normally not. (Who sacrificed his only son?)

There is so much more to say about this year, but that would take way too much time and space. And besides, this isn’t a diary. ;)

Now next year... I wonder what it will be like? I was introduced to some many new things in 2007, but what does 2008 hold? I pray that I won't forget the things God has taught me this year during the next year.

...

I just thought of another name for this blog entry, "Midnight Confessions" I haven't really talked about this year nearly as much as I did in this entry, and it's almost midnight... By the way, Midnight Confessions is the name of a song, but the song doesn't really fit.

Mixed Langauges

2007-12-23T11:31:00.000-08:00

"Hey! No quit my jacket!"

Now, the quit may seem like the give up kind of quit, but it's really pronounced "Kit" and it's a tense of the verb Quitar. Spanish for take off, I believe. It may also mean cut, not positive. But either way, it's used for things like "quitar your shoes" and such. The quote above was Daniel's response when I pulled off my jacket from the chair he was leaning against. He turned around, saw it was my jacket and not his, and apologized. You may not realize it, but that's a big improvement. Used to be you'd never hear a sorry coming from him unless it was forced, or if he was doing something like saying sorry and then bumping into you. (I think he was getting it confused with excuse me...)

What's the point of all that? Simply this, I was observing today how mixed our speech is around here, and how I accept it as normal.

I didn't even blink when he said that, I understood him and didn't think anything of it. It wasn't until later that it dawned on me that unless you know spanish it might have been a little confusing. Daniel and Camila use quit a lot, and also lo. Which means it. So they'll say things like "give me lo" or "throw lo." There's probably other spanish words that they mix into their speech, but none of them come into mind.

So, that's just my little thought of the day. =)

"Further in and further out"

2007-12-17T07:31:00.001-08:00

Okay, so I've been told several times by both Julia and Sarah that I need to blog... I've been back online for what, over two weeks now?

I suppose y'all probably want a report on how my time offline went. Or maybe that's just what seems in order. Except, half the reason I haven't blogged yet is because there really isn't anything to say about the time offline. At least, nothing big. But does there always have to be something big for the time to have been good? I don't think so. Yet I'm not even sure saying that the time was good would be true. Well, without some explanation that is.

Okay, enough rambling. (I like to think through things a lot) It was good to be offline. It was wonderful to feel free of the 'need' to get on and coordinate my time so I'm online when my friends are. I had hoped to refocus on God during that time. It didn't work that way. Why? I don't know.

These past two weeks though. . . I don't know exactly how to describe it, but I know that God has been doing something. It's been a rough few weeks, I've felt like I'm fighting something and I didn't know what. Bit by bit, God has been bringing things up, pointing them out, and slowly teaching me that I do know what to do with the knowledge. Ever tried to get away from something with the excuse of "I don't know how"? I sure do it a lot.

I feel like God's been calling me to go further in with Him. (Kind of like in the last book in Narnia... "further in and further out" or something like that) Eric Ludy said life is an endless frontier, I agree. God's been saying "Okay, you got over trying to completely forget about me, now I want you to fall in love with me." I've learned that life without Him is worthless, miserable, and lifeless, now I need to learn what life with Him is like.

Last night, one of my friends asked what I was up to while talking in G-chat. One of the things I listed was "thinking." It was then I realized that I really have been thinking, that there's been a lot that I've been sorting out and trying to decide how to react to. Writing in my journal last night about what I've just said here, I started getting excited. Last time God gave me things to mull over, like now, and I felt the conflict I've been feeling, things changed. And I'm so glad they did. I can smile now and mean it, who knows what's in store next? I want to give in to God's will, because He is so much more capable than I am, and I know that He always has great things in store. Whether or not they're painful doesn't matter. He is so amazing, I want to live for HIS glory.

Now, I will leave you with a poem I wrote last week.

Have You Seen?

Can you see the clouds outside?
Up in the sky they reside.
Casting shadows and filtering sun.
So beautiful and wonderful each one.

What about the night sky?
Stars shining and a meteorite on the fly.
So calm, so peaceful and mysterious.
The bright moon, so imperious.

And the sun on a clear day?
Bringing hope in many a way.
The blue sky so clear,
chasing away each fear.

Have you seen the rain falling?
And as you watched felt a calling,
to go and walk and dance in flurries,
to let it wash away your worries?

And on each amazing day,
do you ever stop and say;
“Thank you, Lord,
for this world.”
?

A Break

2007-10-31T17:51:00.001-07:00

I'm taking a break from the internet. I won't be online during the month of November. I decided today that I've been spending too much time online, and that it's getting between me and God. So, I won't be posting in here until Decemeber.

Hope you all have a good month, and see all of you in person sooner later :)
-Mary

God is good.

2007-10-28T17:45:00.000-07:00

Yes, that’s been said a lot, but I think it’s worth repeating. God is good.

He came down to earth. He gave up His inconceivable world for our little world.
He loved us, and we rejected Him. We hurt Him, betrayed Him, beat Him, killed Him. Yet He still loved, and He still didn’t turn in anger on us. He didn’t have to save us…

I can’t help but think how truly amazing He is.

The sun during the day, sometimes I stare in wonder at it. The blinding light, it holds something in my heart. The stars at night, aren’t they amazing? They’re God’s handiwork, yet He considers humans to be His most amazing work of all. Holding a small child in my arms, I feel that it’s true that God’s greatest creation is humans, but it humbles me to think of that.

Tell me, who is better than God? Who can compare?

He rescues us from our sin, and He gives us second chance upon second chance. He shows us mercy by forgiving our sins, and He shows us grace by giving us more than we deserve. Yet through it all, He is just, righteous, and awesome.

God is good.

Sewing!

2007-10-26T09:28:00.000-07:00

I'm surrounded by sewing. Constantly thinking of it, talking about it, doing it, dreaming about it... And all by my own choice! I'm making a Jedi costume for two, actually three, reasons. First is for next Wednesday, Peter and I will be taking Daniel and Camila to the LeTu halloween thingy. Second is for my nephew's, Conlan's, birthday party with is a costume party. Third is because I like the outfit and know I'll have fun with it in the future. =P And to add to that, I love sewing, which is motivation enough in itself almost.

The costume is a light tan tunic with a broad belt, a dark grey cloak, (which I have dubbed a "Jedi Traveling Cloak" because it's not like the cloaks I normally make) probably pants and boots, and of course, a light-saber.

So I started on Wednesday. At this current point in time I have the cloak and tunic both mostly put together. With the cloak, I need to hem it, (oh, what fun! I'm putting that off because I don't like the complications involved) do the hood, and put on the neck band thing. With tunic, I need to make the belt, (which I'm stalling on because I'm a little confused) maybe add velcro, and maybe do this different hem thing.

Daniel and Camila are both going as Darth Vader! So Mom's been making them each a cloak for that, then they'll wear black, long-sleeved shirts, black pants, and gloves. On the front of the shirts we'll attach some black plastic things with "lights" glued on to mimic his chest piece. Mom's having fun doing that, but I think we may get Camila to do some of her cloak. Daniel got excited this morning and worked on his chest piece, he did a good job. =) I was so relieved that he woke up in a good mood this morning because I've been watching them since about 10am and will probably keep watching them until around 1. Mom is at the ladies' bible study and then she'll go shopping. It's no fun watching a "holy terror", but a little boy that's being really sweet? Now that I enjoy.

I think I am going to take a well-earned break from sewing and read the Return of the King and watch some of Star Wars Episode IV that my siblings are watching.

-Mary

Poem

2007-10-24T07:55:00.000-07:00

Written October 24, A.D. 2007

Driven down bitter roads,
I wish no longer for quiet.
Only for peace in my heart,
For calm inside it.

I know well that yell.
It means Daniel's upset,
And Mom is holding him--
Oh how that noise I regret.

Things they* seem to get over quickly
Fester and kill inside of me
Leaving me hurt for days
Keeping me from who I want to be

"If I raise my hands just to lift the shade,
Will I reveal a sky heavy and gray?
Will last night be a memory sweetly fading?
How I hate a morning starting out this way."**

On this lonely rigid morning,
I can feel the cold descending,
I can feel that weight pressing.
But I'm turning... turning...

Oh Lord of Heaven and of Earth,
A thousand times I fail,
And I don't feel of any worth,
But I know You will avail.

So here I am,
Crying out to You,
Have Your way with me.
I don't care what You do.

You know all my thoughts,
Every worry and each strife,
But they're not important anymore.
All I want is Your life.

Your Peace overflowing--
It makes me want to live.
Your Joy and Hope--
They make me want to give.

So whether a cold wind blows,
Or the sun warmly chooses to shine,
With You through it all,
I know everything will be just fine.

...

*My two younger siblings.
**Beginning of "Hands in the Air" by The Waiting.

More about Camping

2007-10-23T09:21:00.000-07:00

So I said I’d write about the camping trip today, which I will. But I thought I’d start with a question that I came up with Friday night, and talked about Saturday. I was also told it was a “blog question“.

Say there was this place you visited often with a friend, and at the place there was also a cliff that you knew was a long drop and had nothing to stop a fall at the bottom. Now, the place you often sat and talked at is in sight of the edge, but not so close as to see over the edge. My question is, is there anyone who if they told you that they wanted you to jump off the cliff that you would do it for? If you hadn't been to the edge that day and all they said was “Hey, I want you to go run and jump off that cliff. Just trust me.” … Now, don’t get me wrong, I do not think anybody has the right to say that except God, my question is only hypothetical.

Cassie said “I don’t know if I would be able to trust someone that much” Me? Well, I finally decided that there were some people who I trust enough. But I cannot imagine them even thinking of asking me to do that. The thing with me is, I don’t find it hard at all to trust people. That worries me at times, because I know many people have their trust betrayed and don‘t trust easily, but that hasn’t happened to me yet. Yet… it worries me because I don’t see how I can escape that much longer. Have I just been lucky? Is there a reason? I really don’t know. Because I trust easily, I often have a compulsion to pour my heart out to just about anybody. That’s been changing the past year, especially the past six (or so) months.

On to camping.

I mentioned that camping trips have recently become “un-fun”. That would be because of the trips changing, and me changing.

It used to be, I’d want to go camping, we’d go on a couple short hikes, go swimming a lot, play card games, row around in boats, make walking sticks, and other things. All of which I did because I wanted to, and I loved. It was great family time.

Then with Camila and Daniel things had to change. Lately when we’ve gone camping we’ve brought the motorboat and gone to nearby lakes. We’d go out in the boat, swim, play some card games, etc. I reacted badly to being around them constantly. I would get irritated, I started disliking boating, and card games because I didn’t like Daniel and Camila’s behavior. I would read all I could in the camper, try to get out of all boating trips, try to participate the least possible, etc. Except everything became mandatory, which I highly disliked. But I did still like swimming… Over all though, the trips were not fun.

The time before this recent one was good. I enjoyed it, had some great times with my siblings, and came back with a good view on it. Although I still read my books a lot I read less, which was good.

This time, Daniel and Camila had friends to play with all the time so I barely saw them. And when I did it was fine because they were in good moods. Before leaving I had been worried. I didn’t want to go. I figured better safe than sorry. In my opinion staying home would be safe. I know what to expect here, and I know when I’ll be able to hang out with friends. Camping, I had no clue whether I’d be forced into stuff I didn’t want to do, I didn’t know if there would be anybody I’d enjoy hanging out with, I just didn’t know how it would turn out. And going by past trips I decided it would probably turn out badly. Friday afternoon I found myself with free time so I went on a walk on campus because I needed to do something about the way I was feeling. I knew I wouldn’t be able to concentrate enough to talk with God if I were at home so I figured a walk would help. It did. I gave the trip to Him and basically said “do what You will, You know what would be best.” I said that down at the pond, I was surprised on the walk back how much lighter things seemed!

I’m telling you all this, why? So maybe you’ll understand why I didn’t expect it to be good, and why I was so glad it turned out well.

Saturday consisted mainly of hiking, swimming in freezing water during the middle of the hike, and resting afterwards. The swim was fun, it was where we stopped for lunch at a waterfall. Two of the men went in, then Gracie, then me, then Camila, then Avery. I almost didn’t go in after seeing Gracie’s shocked face. It was refreshing. I thought I’d regret it after I started hiking, but I didn’t. My clothes dried for the most part by the time we got back, and the kept me cool on the hike because they were wet. That day my brother and his two friends went up to the watch tower on Tall Mountain (The tallest mountain in the area, though not tall compared to other mountains in some places) and slept there. They said it was so windy the hardly got any sleep.

Sunday started out as a very lazy morning, by my dad started trying to get people together to go on a three mile hike to the top of Tall Mountain. Eventually we had most of the people going. Some drove up most of the way and then hiked on a road for one mile the rest of the way. Others, like my parents and me, hiked the three mile trail up. Once at the top all of us had lunch, and then everybody went down again. Needless to say, the group on the trail down was less than the group on the trail up. That was the trip I picked up a walking stick, which I soon was very glad of. After making a handle I’m now very pleased with it. I’ll have to remember it on other trips.

Sunday night it was the girls’ turn to sleep in the watcher tower. Mr. Walters went with Gracie, Mattie, and I so we would have some protection. It was windy, but I was able to sleep. In fact so soundly once I got to sleep that when Gracie tried to wake me up to look at the stars once the sky cleared up that I didn’t wake up! I find that amusing, since I normally am not hard to wake up.

Monday was mostly packing up. I was really worn out that day, emotionally; I hadn't been by myself hardly at all the whole trip because it didn't feel right when I was. And physically; it was a tiring trip! Due to being so worn out, I was glad to get home. It started sprinkling while we packed, and raining right as almost everyone was ready.

Sorry for the humongous post, if you read all that, I applaud you.
-Mary

Camping

2007-10-22T18:24:00.000-07:00

I went camping this weekend, it was a lot of fun. I'd been worried that it wouldn't turn out well, since camping trips have recently become rather un-fun for me, but I had no need to worry this time. There were several other families with us, so that meant that Daniel and Camila had friends to hang out with, as did the rest of us.

I have to get off now, so I'll try and make another post tomorrow, which shouldn't be a busy day.

Silence!

2007-09-19T08:22:00.000-07:00

Ah, how I love silence now... Mom is taking Camila and Daniel to Dallas, they're on the road now. We're overdue for a social worker visit, because they're in Dallas it's harder to stay on schedule, so they'll be doing that while they're there. After that they plan on going to the children's museum there, and possibly stop by the store that sells Colombian food. All this adds up to one thing that is prominent in my mind-- Silence all day! Or rather, only the noises I choose to make. (Such as music and singing) Peter will be in and out, but that doesn't bother me.

Some time ago he and I reached a point where we came to an "understanding" on computers and stuff, I let him on this computer if he's around and I use another one, neither of us bother the other person, but sometimes make comments about stuff we think the other would enjoy. To put it plainly, spending a day at home, with Peter around, is something I consider ideal. I enjoy having him around, we rarely disagree, and the company but not company is relaxing. He's a great brother, even though we don't interact on a huge level I've recently been realizing how amazing and patient he is. How much he's been growing in the Lord, and just overall how great, thoughtful, and nice a brother he is.

Okay, I'm done bragging.

I was noticing the other day that at the beginning of the summer I wrote in my journal that if I had ballet four days a week in the afternoon I wouldn't do it. Because that would cut into time with friends, and I just didn't think that was worth it. Well, what am I doing now? Having ballet four times a week and more than half the time I can't see friends because of it. And am I annoyed and not wanting to go? Nope. I look forward to ballet, and the sacrifice is worth it. Over the summer I realized just how much I enjoyed it, and how enjoyable it could be when you start to improve. So yeah, my view on ballet has changed majorly in the past few months, isn't it funny how things like that happen?

Lately my toes keep getting stepped on, it's very painful, this morning it happened again and caused my toenail to start bleeding. <_< Although I go around barefoot or in flip-flops all the time, getting my feet stepped on is not common, though it does happen :P

Well, I'm off to work on my story I started in July.

~Mary/Linny

"Starting Fresh", Babysitting, Tuna Fish...

2007-09-18T14:12:00.000-07:00

I decided a few days ago to start this blog up again, and see about maybe doing it a little differently. So I finally got around to it today and went and got rid of the previous posts, excluding the first, so I could "start fresh".

While I babysat this morning the 8-month old I had started crying, which caused the two-year old (Lillyann is her name, though I don't know about the spelling) to get upset and want me to hold her. For the rest of the time, which was half an hour, she was wanting to be with me and me to hold her... which was a little trouble because Faith (5) and Noah (7 or 8, not sure) both wanted to play with her but she only wanted to be with me. =)

Tuna fish! We finally got some more, so upon returning from babysitting I got to have a tuna and egg salad sandwhich for lunch... that was nice, we've been out for a while now, and both Peter and I have been wanting them. So I ate to the sound of Daniel on the computer, playing this flight-simulator game. He's been enjoying having computer time again, after not having any yesterday.

Well, I'll leave you with a poem I wrote last night:

Here

I am weary and burdened
As I come into this place
But I'll wait and praise You
Longing to see Your face

I fall on my knees
I know You are near
You restore my life
And Your presence is here

So many times I cry to You
Having once again fallen astray
Each time You welcome me back
And slowly change me each day

And here on my knees
I know You are near
You return my hope
And Your presence is here

Discontent with this world
I turn to You who can satisfy
You are all I need
Your well never runs dry

As I cry out on my knees
I can know You are near
Come and fill me
For Your presence is here

For when we truly seek You
We will find You
You have many plans for us
If we'll only give in to You

When we're on our knees
We can know You will be near
You hear our cries
And Your presence is there

...

Wandering or Following?

2007-04-02T07:58:00.000-07:00

Wandering or Following?

That's a question that came to mind as I was thinking up of a title for this blog. Am I wandering or following?

Here's a poem I wrote awhile back that is the main thing that inspired this thought.

Wandering

I’m wandering, wandering...
Through this world where I live
I’m wandering, wandering...
Wondering which ground to take or give

I’m wandering, wandering...
Trying to find where to go
I’m wandering, wandering...
As I struggle to find the day

I’m wandering, wandering...
I find I need a guide
I’m wandering, wandering...
I need someone by my side

I’m wandering, wandering...
I need one who knows each pit and fall
I’m wandering, wandering...
Need one to help me through it all

I’m wandering, wandering...
I look for a guide but none I see
I’m wandering, wandering...
But then Christ calls to me

I’m following, following...
Through this world where I don’t belong
I’m following, following...
He is there to help me on this journey long

...

These past few weeks I've been wandering. Trying to find my own way through this world, not His. I realized that yesterday during worship, we were singing "Prince of Peace", and we came to the part "You're my Prince of Peace/And I will live my life for You". There's such a major difference between living our lives for ourself, and living it for Him.

So, I know that living my life for him is what I should do, but that still leaves the question--Will I?

I can say "Okay, Lord, I'm going to live my life for you now." But that's all I'm doing, I'm saying. The question comes after I say that, it's what will I do. What will my actions say? What will my inner thoughts say? What will my talks with others say?

I really don't know the answer to that question.

I'm wandering... A guide has offered to help me, will I let Him lead?