I’ve thought a lot about the fact that Daniel and Camila don’t understand how different my life was before they became a part of it. They often times assume that I didn’t have a life before them. Yet I assume the same thing. I don’t try and wonder what their life was like before coming to the US, I don’t think about the memories they must be bombarded with. I see the effects that their previous life has had on how they act, who they are, but I don’t think about the pieces they must miss, the pieces that much wrench their hearts not to have anymore.
My memories of life without my two younger siblings are blurred, in a lot of ways it does feel like I didn’t have a life before them. In a way I didn’t. I didn’t have the same life, that life was very different. So much changed.
It’s probably similar to them, except I think that it’s probably more distinct of a difference for them. Their two different lives probably feel way more different than mine do, and mine feel different enough as it is.
Except I don’t think I’ll ever fully understand that they had different life. I can tell myself their life didn’t start two and a half years ago, I can tell myself they have things that they hold on to from the past, but I can’t fully understand what that feels like.
As my relationship with Camila grows, I realize this: I will never fully understand what she lost and she will never fully understand what I gave up.