Friday, October 30, 2009

Two lives

I’ve thought a lot about the fact that Daniel and Camila don’t understand how different my life was before they became a part of it. They often times assume that I didn’t have a life before them. Yet I assume the same thing. I don’t try and wonder what their life was like before coming to the US, I don’t think about the memories they must be bombarded with. I see the effects that their previous life has had on how they act, who they are, but I don’t think about the pieces they must miss, the pieces that much wrench their hearts not to have anymore.

My memories of life without my two younger siblings are blurred, in a lot of ways it does feel like I didn’t have a life before them. In a way I didn’t. I didn’t have the same life, that life was very different. So much changed.

It’s probably similar to them, except I think that it’s probably more distinct of a difference for them. Their two different lives probably feel way more different than mine do, and mine feel different enough as it is.

Except I don’t think I’ll ever fully understand that they had different life. I can tell myself their life didn’t start two and a half years ago, I can tell myself they have things that they hold on to from the past, but I can’t fully understand what that feels like.

As my relationship with Camila grows, I realize this: I will never fully understand what she lost and she will never fully understand what I gave up.

"Beauty From Pain"

by Superchick


The lights go out all around me.
One last candle to keep out the night
and then the darkness surrounds me.
I know I'm alive but I feel like I've died.
And all that's left is to accept that it's over.
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made.
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder.
I feel like I'm slipping away.

After all this has passed, I still will remain.
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain.
Though it won't be today,
someday I'll hope again
and there'll be beauty from pain.
You will bring beauty from my pain.

My whole world is the pain inside me.
The best I can do is just get through the day.
When life before is only a memory,
I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place.
And though I can't understand why this happened,
I know that I will when I look back someday
and see how you've brought beauty from ashes
and made me as gold purified through these flames.

After all this has passed, I still will remain.
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain.
Though it won't be today,
someday I'll hope again
and there'll be beauty from pain.
You will bring beauty from my pain.

Here I am, at the end of me,
tryin' to hold to what I can't see.
I forgot how to hope.
This night's been so long.
I cling to Your promise,
there will be a dawn.

After all this has passed, I still will remain.
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain.
Though it won't be today,
someday I'll hope again
and there'll be beauty from pain.
You will bring beauty from my pain.