Okay, so maybe the next year hasn’t "begun" quite yet, but just another three or so hours and it will...
Each New Year’s Eve/Day, I find it hard to grasp that it has been a whole year since the previous December/January. Sometimes I don’t think it has been long enough, and sometimes I think it’s been too long for only one year. This year it’s the latter. I think back to January 1st, 2007 and all that happened that month. And then I look to May, and they seem so much further apart than five months. I look from May to September. . .Only four months? Impossible! Not really, but still, those months seemed so long... And from September until now, I think it’s been so long, but at the same time (unlike the others) I think it was just yesterday.
So, that all equals: 2007 was a full year. Very full.
Want it in a nutshell?
- I fell away from God.
- I got two new siblings.
-I fought change tooth and nail.
-I fell down, and even further down.
-I lost hope.
-I watched friends, saw them at places with God I was not, I saw some reach that place when before they weren’t there... They all affected me greatly and God used some of them to call me back to Him.
-I found new hope.
-Then I finally started focusing and surrendering to God.
Since then, its been uphill (work) but still up, not down. . .So different.
I will now continue to ramble and think, be warned that I like to talk. =)
I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was watching my friends, seeing how they lived. The friends I’m talking about have come from different circles, but they all cling to God. None of them pretend to be perfect, which makes them even better friends, because I know that I don’t have to be perfect either.
Over the summer, at my lowest points, I wonder now what I clung to. I think it was a knowledge that there was more than darkness. That there is light. Also what has been reinforced all my life, as long as I can remember; God is real. And God is good. I didn’t give up believing in Him, I just stopped believing Him. Does that make sense? I knew He was real, but I gave up hope that I could find peace in Him, that I could really make it out of darkness. So, even though I lost hope, I still clung to the things I considered facts. I wasn’t ready to let go of them. And during the time I seemed like I was just about ready to let go of them, to forget that there is light, I received hope. I’m not sure what exactly happened. It was during communion at church, and I found myself assured of God’s presence. At that moment, there’s was no doubt. That kept me going for another month, when some other things turned the tables and helped me start heading back uphill instead of downhill.
Daniel and Camila... I look at them now, I see their smiling faces, I hear about Camila saying (while talking about Mom and Dad) "And they love us!" And I don’t regret. I don’t regret going through the pain, I don’t regret the times they’ve lashed out in anger and hurt me. They were so hurt, they had so much anger built up within them, and they still do. But slowly that has come out, the hurt has begun to heal. They’ve grown more secure, and there’s no way I would want them to go back to their old life. What did they have for them in Colombia? Really, I can only see very dark prospects, I shudder to think of where Camila might have ended up, and Daniel.. He was definitely headed for a bad life, he likes gangster looks, he used to think stealing was cool/fun. I am so glad they have a new life here.
All I can say, is that the more I think of last summer, and then now, the more I am grateful to my Creator. It has been a hard year, for all of my family, but it’s been good. People say "Being in God’s will is the safest place" I would change that to the best place. Safest makes you think of easiest. God’s will isn’t always for the cushy and easy life, I would venture to say that it’s normally not. (Who sacrificed his only son?)
There is so much more to say about this year, but that would take way too much time and space. And besides, this isn’t a diary. ;)
Now next year... I wonder what it will be like? I was introduced to some many new things in 2007, but what does 2008 hold? I pray that I won't forget the things God has taught me this year during the next year.
I just thought of another name for this blog entry, "Midnight Confessions" I haven't really talked about this year nearly as much as I did in this entry, and it's almost midnight... By the way, Midnight Confessions is the name of a song, but the song doesn't really fit.